Dr. Paul Bloom,
Psychologist

Pain hurts more if you believe someone is doing it to you on purpose. - Paul Bloom, TED Global Conference

While I haven't taken the time to investigate the context of this statement, as a random thought, it sure is hitting me where I live today. I'm in the midst of a passive-aggressive, knock-down, drag-out episode with one of my children. I take my share of the blame for the initial incident. She's been really good at pushing my buttons lately, and when I let her do it this time, I said some regrettable things. It could have been resolved within 24 hours. I have reached out multiple times. But we're currently in the midst of the fourth week, and her response every time I reach out is, "I'm not ready to discuss it." Ugh.

Her usual response to pain is to try to resolve it right away. She's the one who wants to flip the switch, get it all on the table and then sweep it into the "resolved" pile. I usually need to stew, to process, to understand why it happened so I can call it finis. Because this is so out of character for her, I’m more and more convinced as the days go by, she is doing this on purpose so I hurt as much as she does. I wish I was the only cause of her pain, but I’m not. The other stuff isn’t something I can fix.

My parental-self doesn’t understand the rejection. The passive-aggressive bull is infuriating. The longer she leaves me to stew, the more I remember the sacrifice, the healing of her wounds, the celebrations of her triumphs, and the just plain love shown to her. The more I stew, the more my perspective turns introspective, and self-pitying.

In the few conversations we’ve had since the incident, she has made it clear she doesn’t want to hear about, much less admit to, the pain and hurt that is her responsibility. I can only hope and pray it is just the hubris and inflexibility of youth talking.  But the longer it takes to get to the table to discuss, the deeper I find myself falling into my own perspective hole. I hope when she is ready to talk, she’ll take the ladder she used to climb out of her hole and share it with me. And I pray my eyes will remain open to her pain and perspective as we heal – together.

Neuron insulation

What the world needs is a big filter. One running between the neurons firing in a person's brain and his or her mouth. There has to be a way to stop said electrical activity from always creeping down the brain stem and escaping through the tongue. Where's a good insulator when you need it?

I've noticed a lot of the sensational news stories today are due to this insulator being missing  - whether it's from the person reporting on the story or one of the subjects in it. The latest one I've seen is MSNBC analyst Mark Halpering calling our president a d***. Yes, the nickname for Richard, or more accurately, the euphemism for a male's member. Admittedly, I am not a fan of the president. However, I do view any person who attempts that job with a modicum of respect. Potty mouth does not apply - ever. Anyone who attempts to bear the burdens of that job upon his or her shoulders will not become the subject of trash talk in my conversations. I certainly do not want that job.

I have been known to decommission my filter and fly off the handle with the best (worst?) of them. Certain people have found the buttons I have labored a lifetime to hide, digging with abandon. In the end, nothing gets accomplished for the pusher or the pushed. Nothing is resolved, nothing moves forward, nothing moves into constructive debate. In this context, buttons polarize.The only thing that buttons seem to activate is highly sensitized emotions. Emotion is essential in story telling. But I find debate for the purpose of exchanging ideas is better off without highly-charged emotions. Personally, emotion tends to blind me to reason.

When it comes to marketing, buttons play a different role. Effective marketing requires you connect the audience's emotions with the action you want them to take. Marketers who can't find the buttons won't be able to provoke the desired action, feeling, or response. Five minutes ago I watched a commercial for Worldwide Liquidators. What I remember is "Going, going, gone!" They're pushing my "Don't miss out!" button. I'm not sure what I'm missing out on, but it made me want to know badly enough that I visited their website. In this case, being blinded to reason works to the marketer's advantage.